Love's Illusion
by Frimia Thorson
Summary: Arlathia was a young Dalish Grey Warden. Before joining the infamous Wardens, however, she had worked furiously to harden her heart and feel no attachment to anyone or anything. But, Arlathia unexpectedly fell for her fellow Warden - a human. Her cruel, indifferent nature caused him to turn away from her. She recalls to us her tale of struggle to soften her heart once more.
1. Chapter 1

_I loved him._

_I loved him more than my clan. _

_I loved him more than the sweet sounds of the forest._

_I loved that man more than I ever should love a human and it __**scared**__ me._

_But I loved him._

_Ch.1_

Alistair shifted uncomfortably as I snapped the neck of a bandit with my leather-gloved hands. "Do you always have to do that?" he asked hesitantly, refusing to look me directly in the eye. "It's uncalled for."

My heart sunk as it always did when he spoke up about my methods. I shrugged and stepped over the lifeless body at my feet. The others followed behind, glancing around at each other wondering if they all saw the elephant in the room. _He hates me,_ my mind screamed. _He hates me and he fears me. Nothing will ever change that._

It was a beautiful day, regardless. The sun was shining over-head and quiet chirps from birds drifted from the forest lines on either side of the hard-packed dirt road. Behind me, as we walked, I could hear Alistair making small talk with Leliana. He had a soft spot for that girl, and whether it was because of their shared pasts in the Chantry or her quiet, effortless beauty…I didn't know, and I wouldn't lie…. I wished it were me he talked to every night by the roaring fire back at camp.

I rolled my neck and adjusted my bow, changing my thought patterns to avoid the touchy subject. My face must have reflected my discomfort, though, because Zevran sprinted up to me. "Such a depressing look on such a beautiful face," he purred, his Antivan accent smooth as silk. "What troubles you my lovely Grey Warden?"

His boldness wasn't unexpected. We had all come to learn that Zevran was the type to speak his mind, no matter _what_ or _who_ you were. "Nothing "troubles" me, Zevran," I replied as I rolled my eyes. _Why does he care anyways?_

"Ahh. Fine, fine. Don't tell me," he laughed gently and leaned in very close, causing me to stop. "But I'll eventually have it out of you." He winked and began walking in front of me. I stayed where I was, staring after him. There was something that had disturbed me greatly by the way he had said: "I'll eventually have it out of you." I continued to stare at the back of his blonde, elven head until I felt a hand on my shoulder.

Instinct kicked in and I jumped back, my hand resting just over the dagger at my waist. But when I turned, I saw Leliana and Alistair looking at me with curiosity. "Are you okay, Arlathia?" Leliana asked, her crystal-clear blue eyes staring at me in worry. I looked from her to Alistair and from Alistair to her. A quiet look of indifference crossed his face and I wanted to run. I wanted to dash into the forest and never come back and I didn't even know why. But I did know that the world would be fine without me. Alistair could manage saving Ferelden all on his own and I could be back with the forest creatures and wonderfully stable trees. _No one would miss me._

"I'm fine," I growled, bounding ahead to catch up with Zevran.

"I'm sorry if I offended you earlier," a voice called from behind me. I turned around and in the dim firelight I could make out Zevran's perfectly tanned face and his swirling tattoos. He was still in his heavy leather armor.

"I thought you went to bed," I replied, turning my head back to the leaping orange flames. "Everyone else is asleep…" my voice trailed off and faded into the atmosphere around us.

"I know. I couldn't sleep for fear that I had angered you. May I?" He gestured to the ground beside me.

"Go ahead." His warm body sat down next to mine and he pulled his knees to his chest, mimicking my position. I looked at him intently and I saw the reflection of the flames dancing in his dark eyes.

He smiled. "You love him don't you?"

For once I thanked the night for covering my blushing face with its blanket of darkness. "What are you talking about? Love who?" I demanded, my voice as harsh and unforgiving as usual.

"Alistair. You love him."

"I do not."

"Don't deny what you know is there," he picked up a stick and began drawing swirls in the dirt in front of him.

"I can't deny something that is untrue in the first place," I spit. "Go bother someone else." I threw my head to the side, my blonde curls flying around with it.

Zevran sighed. "You are a hard individual, Arlathia. You are hard because you think you have to be. But deep inside you have a heart and it is breaking," – he stood up and adjusted his armor before walking away and continued – "Maybe you should try to show that heart of yours. You would be surprised as to who might love you back."

With that, he strode away silently and ducked into his tent. I wished he wouldn't have said it. I wished he would've kept his big mouth shut and left me alone! My hand gripped the stick that he had dropped when he stood and it tightened and tightened until it snapped in two. I angrily threw it into the gleaming flames and fought the urge to scream.

_I hate everyone._

I got up and stormed into my tent where I sat and waited for morning to come. I wanted to _kill _something. I wanted to pierce something's heart with a single shining arrow. So I waited. I sat and I waited for my chance to come.


	2. Chapter 2

Ch.2

Morning came and I welcomed it with open arms. I half-heartedly shoved my night clothes into my knapsack and rerolled my bed roll. I tossed it all onto Bodahn's wagon and it landed with a _thud. _"Morning, Arlathia," Bodahn piped, adjusting his horses' harnesses. "Denerim's not far off now!" he cheered.

I nodded silently and managed a lopsided grin. Across camp, Alistair was practicing with his sword as he did every morning. Sweat soaked his dingy tunic and his leather boots made quiet padding noises on the ground. Morrigan came up from behind me and sighed. "He is pathetic." She crossed her arms across her chest and with a roll of her eyes she walked away.

I never really understood their hate for each other, but then again, Morrigan was much like me; she didn't _like _anyone. She was lucky, though. Everyone left her to her own business and never bothered her. She could disappear at camp and no one would care. I, on the other hand, could not shirk my duties as one of the last surviving Grey Wardens… no matter how much I would like to.

Leliana strode over to Alistair and handed him some water. He took it with a gentle smile as she leaned against a tree, her hips pushed to the side and her arms held perfectly in place in front of her body. Her bright red hair hung around her face in a soft line. They began to laugh happily and I gripped my bow in front of me. I wished I could hear what they talked about – but I could only imagine what it was:

"Did you see Arlathia? She's in a bad mood as usual."

"I tell you that girl has no heart."

"You know, Alistair… I think she's sweet on you."

"You're joking!"

"Of course not... the way she looks at you…." Their twisted, distorted laughter filled my mind.

In putrid anger, I strung my bow and pulled it back to my cheek in one swift motion. I sucked in a deep, heavy breath and released the arrow with a sure precision. It struck the water jug perfectly, cracking the clay and causing it to burst, sending water all over the both of them. They turned in surprised disgust and saw me, bow in hand. I don't know what the exact look on my face was, but I'm sure it was along the lines of hate and shock.

I had just wanted it to stop. I had wanted the ridicule to stop….

And that's when I realized I had let my imagination run away from me and it had created a problem that was otherwise not there. My face flushed and I walked away calmly back to the other side of camp where Zevran was just now waking up. Still pretending as though nothing had occurred out of the ordinary, my mind began to plead: _Please don't say anything... please don't have seen it... please._

At first, I sat down beside him as he sipped a bottle of ale and he winked at me. No words came from his mouth. "How are you?" I asked after a moment of tense silence, still trying to be polite and avoid the eye path of Alistair.

"I'm very good. Quite the morning it's been… I woke up with birds chirping… A nice bottle of ale… Oh... and a _show_," he chuckled, taking another sip. My head fell into my hands.

"I was hoping no one saw."

Zevran lifted the bottle in Alistair's direction. I looked up and saw that Morrigan was teasing him about his drenched clothes. Leliana had undoubtedly left to change. "What's the story anyways? Are you _jealous_ of little Red?"

"No!" I insisted angrily, standing clumsily and stomping away. Before I made it too far though, I turned back around and faced Zevran. "I shouldn't have come to talk to you anyways. Asshole."

Zevran laughed at my obscenity. I pushed pass Wynne indignantly; she took my hand and stopped me. "Child…" Her voice was worried.

"Don't call me that!" I jerked away from her and retreated past the ash pile that was our nightly campfire. I was almost there…. I was two steps away from disappearing into the forest forever when a strong voice called from behind me: "Arlathia?"

It was _his_ voice. My feet stopped moving…. My brain stopped working. I think I might've even stopped breathing for that brief moment. "Uhh… can we have a moment? To talk?" Alistair asked. My whole body went rigid, my fists clenching and unclenching by my sides. I kept my eyes glued to that forest line… beyond those sparse trees was my familiar ground. Beyond those trees was my escape. I was two measly steps away and I chose to stand there, my back turned away from Alistair like the idiot I was. There was no way I could make my feet move anymore with him standing behind me… asking to talk.

With my back turned, still, I replied: "If you wish…" It was three words. Three words that prevented my escape.

"Why did you…" Alistair's voice trailed off. "Will you turn around, Arlathia?"

Everything in me screamed not to, but I did anyways. One slow movement at a time, I turned and looked him in the eye. In those brown eyes I saw confusion and distrust… and it was all my fault. I fought to keep my eyes blank, unfeeling.

"Why did you shoot the water jug, Arlathia?" he demanded softly, his face getting a bit red.

The only excuse I could think of popped out quickly in a tense tone: "It… it was a joke…" I ran a hand through my loose blonde curls and I remembered I was supposed to braid them back before we left. But since I was busy fixing my stupidity, I might not have time for that today.

"You seemed upset though…" he replied, his brows knitting together in concentration.

_Did he see right through me?_ "I wasn't." I bit, my voice sharp and precise like the tips of my arrows.

"You are now."

"Because you're accusing me of –"

"What?" he cut me off. "I'm accusing you of what?"

"I don't know!" I screamed, my shoulders tensing harshly. "You tell me!" I demanded, throwing my hands up into the air.

"I'm not accusing you of anything! I just want to know why you hate me, Arlathia! Ever since we met at Ostagar you have been nothing but one big bag of anger and negativity! You are unappreciative and sour and _cold_!" he screamed. After his last words hung in the air, he shrunk back… ashamed and embarrassed.

"Are you finished?" I asked indifferently, my heart breaking inside of my chest. _Why did I ever let myself like this… human man?_

He opened his mouth to answer, but I stopped him with a glare and coolly-formed words. "Save it, Alistair," I interjected, holding up a single, pale hand. I pushed past him and away from my one chance of escape.

"I'm going to go pick up some boots," I murmured, leaving Alistair, Leliana, and Morrigan standing in the middle of the Market District in Denerim.

"Arlathia…." Alistair whispered tentatively. "I want you to go with me to Goldana's."

"No."

"Please… I know you don't think it matters… but it does. It matters to me."

"No. I need to get boots before we go back to camp."

"Fine! I give up." Alistair knocked on the door and Leliana came up beside me before I could make it to Wade's Armory.

"He wants you to come… won't you?"

"No."

"Stop trying to persuade the girl into something she does not wish to do. I think I will go with her at any rate. I do not wish to see this long-lost sister of his either… especially if she bears the family trait of stupidity," Morrigan sighed, joining over with me.

"He asked you to come… He cared enough to ask you… how could you refuse?"

"Like this." Without another word I turned with Morrigan and began to walk away.

"He will remember you refusing him this, Arlathia. People _remember_ things like that."

She was right. People _do_ remember things like that. With a deep, burdening breath I turned back around and joined them at the door.

"What are you do-"

"Silence." I cut Morrigan off. She frowned deeply and crossed her arms.

Alistair pushed the door open gently and we all stepped into the dimly lit house. The smell of steam and linen wafted pass my nose and it wasn't entirely unpleasant. Suddenly a young girl with orange hair emerged from the back. "You have linens to wash?"

"No…" Alistair replied, shifting uncomfortably. "I – uh… are you Goldana? If so, I guess... well I'm your brother…"

"I am Goldana. What is all of this about? What kind of tomfoolery are you folks up to?"

"I'm your brother…"

She gasped audibly. "I knew they were lying! They said the babe was dead along with Mother!"

"Who? Who said that?" Alistair asked, his voice rising in pitch.

"Thems at the castle! Sent me away with coin to shut my mouth."

"The babe's not dead... I am him. I'm your… brother."

She threw her hands in his face. "For all the good it does me. You killed Mother, you did!"

"You blame Alistair for that?" I scoffed. "Pathetic."

"Who's this? Some elf to carry all your riches?"

For a moment Alistair froze. We exchanged a tense glance and he looked back up to her. "Don't speak to her that way," he commanded. "She's a Grey Warden just like me." There was something almost sincere about the way he stood up for me, but I brushed it off all the same.

"Oooh. A prince and a Grey Warden too? Who I am to speak bad about someone so high and mighty compared to me?"

"I don't like your attitude, human," I spit, stepping forward. Leliana gripped my wrist and prevented me from moving any farther and Morrigan chuckled softly. "I should cut your rude little tongue out."

"Don't," she whispered sternly into my ear.

Ripping my arm away from her grip, I growled: "I am leaving."

"That'd be best," Goldana announced superiorly. "The rest of you, too. And don't bother coming back."

"I shouldn't have come…" Alistair whispered, turning and holding the door open for me to storm through.

Once outside in the fresh, warm air of the Market district, Alistair sighed and rubbed his temples. "That was unexpectedly horrid. I'm sorry I drug you into that."

"Next time I'm getting boots…"

"I guess I just thought she'd accept me without question… isn't that what family's supposed to do?" he asked, ignoring my statement. His eyes glossed over and became distant and unfeeling.

I remained silent as he stared past me at something far away. Leliana sighed. "This is disastrous."

Morrigan laughed: "'Twas not less than my reaction would be to a long-lost brother."

Quietly, Alistair shook his head. "I had expected…. No, it does not matter."

"That's your problem, Alistair," I whispered harshly. "Stop expecting so much of people. Everyone's out for themselves. You'd do best to remember that."

Shock crossed his face. "What – "

"You heard me. Stop thinking everyone's perfectly kind and will never do you wrong. That is an unrealistic look at the world and only wastes time."

Morrigan smiled and started off towards Wade's Armory. "Let us get your boots, Arlathia."

"Yes, let's," I replied, turning to join her. I glanced back one last time before disappearing into the armory only to see Alistair staring back and Leliana walking towards the city gates.

_Serves him right_, was my last thought before entering the darkened shop.


	3. Chapter 3

As I watched the fire leap and roar in front of me, my mind ran in too many different directions. I thought of home, of the Grey Wardens… of Alistair… of this great quest I was supposed to embark on… But all the while my heart was distant and cold. I felt no attachment, although it seemed like I should feel….. _something._

There was just something about the way Alistair had yelled at me earlier. It was a hurt I had never felt before.

"Can I sit with you?" A strong voice asked from behind me, pulling me from my thoughts.

"No," I replied coldly to Alistair's request.

"What if I apologize for being very, very out of line today?"

"You were, but an apology is not required."

"Does this mean I can sit with you?" I looked up towards the stars. _What had I meant? _I nodded gently and Alistair sat down beside me. "I _am_ sorry, Arlathia. I wasn't thinking of how all of this must have affected you… being ripped away from your home, losing your clan…"

"Hamin." I interjected once more. "I am not as…offended as you think I am. I am used to Shems treating me as such."

"No. That isn't fair, Arlathia," Alistair sighed, shaking his hands defensively. "Please, just… _listen _to me."

"Dirth. Speak if you wish."

"I don't understand why you _hate_ me. I don't hate YOU, and have done nothing to imply it. If I have, then I apologize. We are in this _together_. You and I are the only two remaining Grey Wardens. We have to stop this Blight ourselves and we can't do that with harsh feelings between us."

"I agree." And I did. But deep inside of me, I was hurt. I wasn't hurt because his words were untrue and said out of anger, because in truth, they weren't lies. I was cold. Detached. Distant. Hateful. Everything he said and everything he was thinking…. Was true. And that's why it hurt me so badly…

Because I was a detached person full of bitterness and hate….

And I _knew it._

Alistair grazed my hand with his and I jumped at the chill that ran throughout my body. As if reading my thoughts, he whispered: "You aren't this person. Deep inside you are good, and happy, and caring. But you're still headstrong, stubborn…. And lovely, Arlathia. I know _that_ for a fact. A sincere person wouldn't have told me what you did today in Denerim. You were looking out for me, whether you will admit it or not…. And I appreciate it… so much."

I looked into his eyes, and turned away quickly, tears threatening to fall. _He knows who I am. He knows I can never be those things. He knows I __**will**__ never be those things. _"No. You are wrong…"

"Arlathia…" Alistair called as I stood hastily and began walking to my tent. "Arlathia!"

The more he called my name, the more I yearned for him….

I couldn't be this weak.

I couldn't let him see me this vulnerable…

I couldn't love him like my heart wished me to.

I just COULDN'T.


End file.
